remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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