I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
