I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
third nipple confirmed
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
