it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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