I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
