i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize