well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
