I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize