i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
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