I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Shame - the story of my life.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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