yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize