remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
