someone threw a dead crab at me
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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