I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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