Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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