Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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