plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
