I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
