just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
this boner is exhausting
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
