just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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