That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
