Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
