2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
