So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
