My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
