i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
