Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
