we have officially lost it.
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
