Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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