there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
