That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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