weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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