one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
