Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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