Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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