So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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