On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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