I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
