Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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