So drunk, too bad you don't want this
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
