so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
