As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
