mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Randomize
