I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
