Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
