Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize