Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
