How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
