soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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