I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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