Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
