I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Screwed.edu
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize