I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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