Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
