You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
