I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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