Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Randomize
