Ambien. No doubt about it.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize