Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize