so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize