what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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