dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
