if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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