No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize