I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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