Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
