I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Come share oat with me in your robe
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
