i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My legs feel like baby dolphins
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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