genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
